- Florida, can you please get your animals under control?
Remember Cocaine Bear? That movie about a bear high on cocaine going on a rampage that went viral last year?
Well, apparently that’s just your everyday reality in Florida. There’s just one small difference — the bears are on crack instead of the powdered cocaine variety.
Allegedly, at least.
Florida’s state congressman Jason Shoaf has introduced a bill that would loosen the restrictions on hunting and killing black bears in the Sunshine State. According to Shoaf, the new law is necessary so that citizens can protect themselves from bears high on crack.
The thing is, there may not actually be any crack bears in Florida. We, at least, couldn’t find any documented case of a junkie bear terrorizing Floridians.
Shoaf hasn’t made it clear on what he’s basing his claims about bears on crack. But we suppose we also can’t prove that there aren’t such bears out there.
It’s Florida, after all.
The (Alleged) Crack Bear Menace
Shoaf’s bill — officially House Bill 87 — would remove most of the current penalties for killing black bears without authorization. According to Shoaf, the law must be changed to rid Florida of “nuisance bears,” reported The Guardian.
Now, let’s get the strict facts out of the way. First, there are indeed black bears in Florida. The state’s black bear population currently stands at around 4,050 individuals.
Second, the bears can be a nuisance. We at Oddee, for example, have in the past brought you stories about them sleeping on people’s porches and stealing their avocados.
Shoaf, however, alleges that the bear situation is much worse than that.
“We’re talking about the ones that are on crack, and they break your door down, and they’re standing in your living room growling and tearing your house apart,” Shoaf told a Florida house committee discussing HB 87.
“When you run into one of these crack bears, you should be able to shoot it, period. And you shouldn’t have to pause or be afraid you’re gonna get arrested or harassed or pay fines. That’s just crazy,” he added.
The strange thing, however, is that there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of these crack bears existing. The Guardian reported that the new outlet was “unable to find a documented incident” of bears on crack. We did our own spelunking into news stories as well and came back empty-handed.
Nothing Against Bears
So, if there are no documented crack bears, is this bill necessary? According to its opponents, no.
Wildlife advocacy group One Protest opposes HB 87 and has opened an online petition to get it thrown out. According to One Protest executive director, Adam Sugalski, Shoaf is making unfounded allegations about Florida bears and the current law.
“He says that under current law you can’t kill a bear in self-defense if the bear enters your home. That is untrue,” said Sugalski.
“We already have a right to self-defense against any person or animal that we kill because we reasonably believe our lives or our loved ones, pets included, are in danger.”
Additionally, Sugalski claims Shoaf is misrepresenting bears as “man-eating monsters.”
Shoaf, for his part, has defended his bill and stated that he has nothing against bears. In fact, he says he kind of likes them.
“We love bears. Bears are cute and cuddly and an amazing creature. This is about a nuisance bear that has become conditioned to coming into people’s homes,” Shoaf stated.
“You have heard it time and again that bears are shy and scared and they are timid. They stay away. … Those aren’t the bears we’re talking about in this bill.”
Despite the controversy, HB 87 has been moved forward and will receive a full house hearing.
It’s Not Just the Bears
It’s true that Florida’s bears are getting a bit too comfortable around humans, whether they’re on crack or not. However, Floridians should perhaps be more concerned about another animal on drugs.
We’re talking about sharks. Sharks on cocaine.
No, we’re not kidding. In July 2023, a group of researchers sounded the alarm bells about sharks acting in unusual ways in Florida’s waters.
According to them, it’s possible that the sharks have been chewing on bags of cocaine that drug traffickers have dumped overboard from their boats. And the fish aren’t immune to cocaine — in fact, they might be particularly susceptible to its effects.
So there are potential crack bears in the cities, cocaine sharks in the sea, and we haven’t even gotten to the herpes-riddled monkeys in the forests.
Seriously, what’s up with Florida’s wildlife?