- If it’s not boneless and it’s not a chicken wing, what IS it?
The laws about food can get seriously weird. For instance, Subway can’t legally say it serves “bread” in Ireland because it contains too much sugar, while pizza sauce in the U.S. can legally contain 15 fly eggs and a maggot per 100 grams.
Well, we now have a new, utterly mind-boggling ruling to add to the bunch.
In a recent legal dispute between a diner and a restaurant, the Ohio Supreme Court has issued a rather confusing ruling. According to the court, “boneless wings” don’t have to be boneless.
The court’s narrow majority decision declared that customers can’t expect their boneless wings to contain no bones. According to the judges, the term is similar to chicken fingers in the sense that no one would expect a chicken to actually have fingers.
What this means that, at least in Ohio, boneless chicken wings no longer need to be boneless. Considering that they’re not chicken wings, either, maybe it’s time we started calling “boneless wings” what they really are.
They’re chicken nuggets for adults. Search your feelings; you know it to be true.
An Unexpected Ingredient
The bizarre Ohio Supreme Court decision follows a lawsuit Ohio resident Michael Berkheimer brought against the chicken wing restaurant Wings on Brookwood in Hamilton. He sued the joint following an unexpected dining incident.
Berkheimer had stopped at the restaurant for a meal with his wife. He must’ve frequented the establishment, as the Associated Press reported that he ordered his “usual” — garlic-parmesan boneless wings.
While eating, however, Berkheimer felt a large piece of food go painfully down his throat. He initially thought he had simply swallowed a poorly chewed morsel, but he soon found out something was very wrong.
Over the next three days, Berkheimer developed a high fever and began throwing up everything he ate. During an emergency room visit, a doctor found the root of his problems.
Berkheimer had swallowed a long, thin chicken bone that had ripped the linings of his esophagus, resulting in an infection.
After recovering, Berkheimer promptly sued the restaurant for failing to warn his customers that their “boneless wings” contained bones. Although this seems like one of those “hot coffee may be hot” kinds of lawsuits, it does have a bit more substance to it.
In addition, Berkheimer sued the restaurants’ chicken farmer and supply company, claiming they were negligent for allowing bones to creep into their boneless wings.
Just Because It Says ‘Boneless’…
Brekheimer’s lawsuit proceeded through various courts until it finally landed in the Ohio Supreme Court. It was this court that issued the nonsensical ruling on July 25.
The 4-3 decision deemed that boneless wings don’t have to be boneless. According to the court’s convoluted logic, Berkheimer should’ve expected the “boneless” wing to have bones — because everyone knows chickens have bones.
“A diner reading ‘boneless wings’ on a menu would no more believe that the restaurant was warranting the absence of bones in the items than believe that the items were made from chicken wings, just as a person eating ‘chicken fingers’ would know that he had not been served fingers,” Justice Joseph T. Deters wrote.
As mentioned, however, the decision wasn’t unanimous. The three dissenting justices called it “utter jabberwocky” and questioned whether every parent in the country serving chicken nuggets to their kids should now check them for bones.
“When they read the word ‘boneless,’ they think that it means ‘without bones,’ as do all sensible people,” dissenting Justice Michael P. Donnelly wrote.
Well, the dissenting judges can dissent and bluster all they want — the law is now clear. If you live in Ohio, you can never again expect your boneless wings to not contain bones.
When a Wing is Not a Wing
The Ohio Supreme Court’s incomprehensible decision begs the question of why we even call boneless chicken wings “wings?” After all, they don’t really have anything to do with wings.
Boneless “wings” were developed as a solution to the rising cost of real wings, and to answer diners’ demand for a less messy wing-eating experience. What they really are is small pieces of chicken breast meat, sometimes breaded, that are tossed in the same sauces as actual chicken wings.
Basically, they’re marginally fancier chicken nuggets.
However, most adult diners don’t want to eat “chicken nuggets” — those are for picky children. But a boneless chicken wing?
Well, that sounds like mighty fine eatin’!
But perhaps the Ohio Supreme Court is unintentionally on the right track. After all, “boneless chicken wings” is blatant false marketing as they are not wings, and now they’re not necessarily even boneless.
Drop the charade and call them chicken nuggets, because that’s what they are. And in their heart of hearts, everyone ordering them wants chicken nuggets, not wings.
It’s high time we stopped deluding ourselves.