- ‘Tis the season to be jolly, but do exercise caution in the bedroom.
You’ve exchanged gifts and you’re cuddled up under a blanket with your special someone next to a warm fireplace. After a couple of mugs of mulled wine, you might decide to share some seasonal love with each other.
Be careful, though. A new study has confirmed that the risk of incurring a certain amorous injury skyrockets over the Holidays.
Namely, the guy folk out there are in danger of fracturing their penises.
The doctors performing the case report review wondered whether the intimacy and togetherness of the holiday season could be responsible for an increase in sexual injuries. You know, the kind of stuff all normal people think about on a daily basis.
Well, they found that there is a link between Christmas and snapped wangs. Penile fracture cases increase by as much as 43% over the festivities, the doctors say.
So, if you get it on this Christmas, don’t do it hanging from the tree like an ornament. You just might crack your candy cane.
The Definition of Pain
Although we talk about “boners,” there aren’t actually any bones in your guy living down south. So how could you then fracture it?
Gather around and we’ll tell you about birds, bees, and associated stingers.
The answer is pretty simple. Once he’s standing at attention, your brave soldier stiffens up — and if you bend anything stiff, it will eventually break.
When you experience a penile fracture, the fibrous coverings that protect the porous erectile tissue break and tear. As they are at the time of the accident rather, well, solid, the result is similar to breaking a bone.
Then, how will you know you’ve fractured your wang? Believe us, you will.
First, there will likely be an audible snapping or cracking sound. Should you miss that, though, you will not miss the immediately following shock of searing, blinding pain.
Penile fracture generally leads to burst blood vessels, and since those are what keep your lil’ fella up, you will quickly lose your erection. Finally, you will quickly develop intense swelling (not the kind you want) and bruising in your nether regions.
“When [patients] present to their doctor, their penis often looks like an eggplant,” said the new study’s lead author, Dr. Nikolaos Pyrgides, a urologist at the Ludwig Maximilian University in Munich, Germany.
Do It Like Santa and Mrs. Claus
But why do penises snap, crackle, and pop over Christmas in particular? Well, there are a few reasons for the study’s results.
First, most people get at least some time off work on Christmas. With that spare time, they can catch up on things at home — such as dancing the horizontal tango.
Well, we say horizontal, but the tango may get vertical, too.
“This injury tends to occur during wild sex – particularly in positions where you’re not in direct eye contact, such as the reverse cowgirl,” explained Dr. Pyrgides.
What we can infer from this is that people tend to go at it with more gusto on Christmas than on other days. And it’s Christmas, specifically, as Dr. Pyrgides notes that the number of penile injuries levels out again by New Year.
Yet, there might be a darker side to the phenomenon, too. Although Dr. Pyrgides says doing like they do on the Discovery Channel is the leading cause of penile fractures, they also typically occur during other “unconventional scenarios.”
Such as while having an affair. Try explaining that to the missus.
We should also note that Dr. Pyrgides’ team looked only at statistics from Germany. There is likely regional variation to the phenomenon.
“It would be interesting to see data from other countries, but in Germany, Christmas week is widely celebrated, while New Year’s Eve tends to be a bit quieter,” he mused.
Finally, let’s address the swollen and hurting elephant in the room — what should you do if you fall victim to this Yuletide menace?
Dr. Pyrgides has one piece of advice. Go see a doctor, and do it now.
“If it does happen, you should present to your doctor as an absolute emergency, because if you are not treated you could suffer long-term complications,” he explained.