7 Animals That Are Complete A**holes

  • Being a complete jackass isn’t by any means a human-only trait.

There’s no sugarcoating it — nature is cruel. Many animals commit horrendous violence, rape, and many other questionable acts, but it’s what they have to do to survive.

But then there are the animals that do horrible things for no apparent reason. There are animals out there that will engage in completely unnecessary cruelty and sadism only because they seem to like it.

In a nutshell, they’re a**holes.

Here’s a list of some of the biggest jackasses roaming the forests, skies, and seas of the world.

7) Canada Geese

Everybody knows to steer clear of a pissed-off goose. But even among this rambunctious crowd, Canada geese shine.

A Canada goose will fight you. It doesn’t matter who you are or how big you are.

If you anger a Canada goose, it will come at you. And it won’t be pretty.

Granted, there is a biological reason for their aggressiveness. The birds are both insanely protective of their goslings and firm believers that offense is the best defense.

But even gosling-less geese will readily attack people. The only explanation seems to be that they just love a good fight.

And if they don’t have goslings, they will attack other geese and kidnap their babies to raise them as their own. That is if they don’t kill them outright.

Verdict: Geese are a**holes.

6) Cattle Egrets

Sibling rivalry is never a pretty thing. But cattle egrets take the concept to a ridiculous extreme.

These pretty herons commonly lay 3-4 eggs at a time. But only one or two of the hatchlings will make it into adulthood because their siblings will kill them.

But that’s just the survival of the fittest, you say? It might be if the deck wasn’t stacked from the beginning.

Hatchlings from eggs number 3 and 4 always have lower testosterone levels than the ones hatched before them. As a result, they will grow to be scrawnier and weaker, leaving them completely helpless against the abuse.

And the parents encourage the brutalization. They can tell which hatchlings are which and they purposefully starve the weaker ones.

They could just lay fewer eggs, but they don’t. We can only conclude they enjoy child abuse so much that it’s been hardwired into their biology.

Verdict: Cattle egrets are a**holes.

5) Pandas

“Oh no, not the cute pandas!” You can say that but that pandas are neglectful, awful parents.

Roughly half of panda pregnancies result in twins. But panda mothers are lazy and they just don’t feel like looking after two babies.

So, they will check the newborns and see which one looks healthier. They then pick the stronger cub and move on — leaving the other one to starve to death.

Scientists think the neglect is due to resource conservation. Although adult pandas have no predators, some animals, like snow leopards, are after panda cubs and one of the babies may die before adulthood.

But the panda mother could at least try. By leaving one of the twins alone, they turn that “may die” caveat into “will die.”

Verdict: Pandas are a**holes.

4) Octopuses

Some octopuses have developed an ingenious hunting strategy. They form packs with certain kinds of fish. The octopus and the fish are after different prey and maximize their hunting luck by working together.

But sometimes the octopuses like to sucker punch their fish friends.

Could it be that the fish was after the octopus’ food? Can’t be — they don’t eat the same things.

Marine biologists observing the octopuses have come up with a theory. The octopus may decide it’s too lazy to swim around its hunting partner so it just punches it out of the way.

Verdict: Octopuses are a**holes.

3) Sea Otters

Photo by Jerome Heuze on Unsplash

Sea otters are cute, there’s no denying that. But they’re also self-serving, necrophiliac baby seal rapists and kidnappers.

Apparently, male seal otters like to abduct and rape seal cubs. Their unwanted affections can continue so long that the baby seal will drown during the act.

There’s really no way to turn this into a positive thing. The male otter is horny and the baby seal is a helpless victim it can use to satisfy its sick urges.

They don’t always molest the cubs, though. Sometimes, otters kidnap cubs and won’t let them go until their parent brings them a ransom of food.

Think about that the next you’re thinking of buying a cutesy Valentine’s card saying: “You’re my ot-ter half.”

Verdict: Sea otters are a**holes.

2) Dolphins

Oh boy, dolphins. They’re played off as Disney princess-like graceful beings, but they’re everything but.

You probably know that dolphins are very intelligent. And they will bend their brains to come up with unspeakably monstrous acts.

First of all, they’re rapists. Packs of male dolphins have been observed surrounding a lone female, beating her up, and taking turns gangbanging her. They’ll also freely try to molest human divers as well.

And then there’s the fact that they kill for fun. Dolphins regularly beat up baby porpoises.

Porpoises don’t compete with or pose any kind of threat to dolphins. They seemingly slaughter the innocent simply because they think it’s hilarious.

But in dolphins’ defense, they’re not racist. They also kill babies of their own kind, so it’s not like they have anything in particular against porpoises.

They just love murder.

Verdict: Dolphins are a**holes.

1) Chimpanzees

Chimpanzees are humanity’s closest relatives. And it’s easy to believe that when you look at the atrocities they’re ready to commit.

First of all, they go to war. Just like humans, tribes of chimpanzees engage in all-out war over food and territory, killing each other with remarkable glee.

But they don’t need the justification of war to engage in gratuitous violence. Chimpanzees are petty, vindictive creatures that will attack others over the smallest perceived slight.

Case in point, in 2005, a worker at an American animal sanctuary bought a birthday cake for one chimp. Two other chimps got jealous and proceeded to tear the man’s face off.

Oh, and chimps are cannibals. They don’t really even like to eat meat, but biologists keep seeing male chimps tearing babies away from their mother’s arms and biting down on their skulls.

They will then share the meal with the rest of the tribe who are only glad to participate in the feast.

Verdict: Chimps are a**holes.