- The key to defeating a Roman legion is getting high as a kite before the bloodshed starts.
We’ve all seen the awesome opening battle scene in Gladiator. There must’ve been few things as terrifying to a Roman legionary than a barbarian warrior charging out of the deep woods.
Well, except maybe a barbarian charging out of the deep woods while high out of his skull.
A new study suggests that the warriors of the Germanic tribes that ancient Romans faced on Central European battlefields may have gone into battle hopped up on various substances. They’re saying that because they believe they’ve discovered age-old barbarian drug paraphernalia — strange, tiny spoons.
Strangely, all the spoons have been discovered among weapons, armor, and other implements of war. However, they’re way too small to be of any practical culinary use.
But they’re just the right size to function as dosing aids, much like some drug users do today. By measuring their substances with the spoon, the warriors could’ve ensured they got enough of the good stuff to fly into a rage while avoiding a fatal overdose.
So, instead of battle magic from ancient gods, it seems the legendary berserkers may have been fueled by dope. We’re not sure if that makes them less or more scary.
The Mystery of the Spoons
The study on barbarian drug snorting was recently published in the journal Praehistorische Zeitschrift. It details a potential solution to a mystery surrounding small ancient Germanic spoons.
For a long time, archeologists have been unearthing tiny spoons at sites occupied by various Germanic tribes during the time of Ancient Rome. Made from a range of materials — including antler, metal, and silver — the 241 spoons have been found in Germany, Scandinavia, and Poland.
These spoons are strange in many ways. The first and most obvious oddity is their minuscule size.
Of course, there was no mass production among the Germanic tribes, so the sizes of the spoons naturally vary. On average, however, they are roughly 2-3 inches long, with a bowl more or less an inch in diameter.
As such, the spoons are way too small for a burly barbarian to eat with. So, what were they used for?
That brings us to the second weird detail. Researchers have found all the spoons among implements of warfare, including weapons, armor, belts, and such.
In fact, it appears the spoons were an integral part of a Germanic warrior’s gear. All the spoons have loops for attaching them onto a string that could be strapped to a belt — and some of the metal spoons are actually built into warriors’ belts.
So, we can pretty safely conclude the spoons were for soldiers. However, since they’re too small to eat with, they certainly weren’t part of an ancient mess kit.
What on earth could they have been used for?
Battle Drugs
According to the researchers, the spoons were drug paraphernalia. They suggest Germanic warriors used them to measure out a dose of psychoactive substances they snorted to prep themselves for the coming slaughter.
Now, drug use certainly wasn’t unknown at the time, as the Romans were quite fond of opium, among other substances. For a long time, however, it was believed the Germanic peoples relied on good old alcohol to get wasted.
However, the new study analyzed what kinds of pre-battle stimulants would’ve been available to the barbarians. It turns out that they would’ve had no shortage of options.
The researchers’ list of substances the Germanic tribes could’ve used includes — among others — poppy (that is, opium), hops, hemp, nightshades like belladonna and wolfsbane, and a cavalcade of magic mushrooms.
This isn’t mere speculation, either, as the relatively recently discovered grave of a Germanic chieftain contained a lump of opium. So, the barbarians clearly knew they could get messed up on things other than beer and mead.
The researchers suggest the spoons were used to measure out dried and powdered stimulants (whatever they may have been). As battle drew near, the warrior would either snort the powder off the spoon or perhaps mix it into alcohol for a double whammy.
Once the stuff kicked in, the now sky-high barbarian could charge into the Roman line without fear, pity, or remorse.
With all that said, there are no ancient dope remnants on the spoons so there’s no way to conclusively prove the theory. However, other peoples living around the same time are known to have used combat drugs, so there’s a good chance the Germanic tribes did as well.
It’s no wonder Rome never conquered them. We sure wouldn’t want to fight a hairy Germanic berserker hopped up who knows what, either.