1A Bag Full of Dicks
We've all been there. There's that annoying co-worker who won't shut up and keeps acting like he's so awesome. Or maybe you're dealing with a frenemy who just gives you tons of offensive, unsolicited advice. You may not be able to say it, but your inner monologue is screaming “EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DUDE!” Well, now you can say it, or to be precise, mail it.
Dicks By Mail is a website that lets you anonymously send a bag of dicks to anyone. For $15, Dicks By Mail will send a 5 oz. bag of gummy penis-shaped candy to your foe with a note attached exclaiming, “eat a bag of dicks.”
At the very least, candy is the consolation for discovering some random person hates you enough to spend $15 to say so.
Most people enjoy receiving a nice, melodic card saying how much they are appreciated, but what if the music doesn't stop? The Card That Never Ends offers just that experience.
The company will send a hellish sound card to the person of your choice. It plays once opened, and will not stop until it has been destroyed. You can't switch it off or turn it down, and the batteries will last for over 3 hours. The only way to stop it is through "creative" measures. Once you figure that out and rip it apart, a handful of glitter will be there to welcome you by getting everywhere.
Available from $9.95, postage included.
A potato in the mail? Who in their right mind would want to do that? Yes, it is true that you can send an actual potato through the freaking mail. No box. No envelope. Just a potato and some stamps.
The service is offered by Mail a Spud and will set you back $9.99.
In only a few minutes, and if you have an extra $25 to spare, you can send a literal Envelope Of Mayonnaise to that special asshole in your life. Each delivery is also accompanied by a note that says, “My hate for mayonnaise is only matched by my hate for you.”
You may think that this is the most disgusting thing you can mail someone until you read the next entry in our list…
It may not come as a surprise to most, but there is a service that delivers poop. The company is called IPoopYou. It is a San Francisco-based company that sends “high quality, farm raised, eco-friendly, hand-picked animal poop” via snail mail.
Just like flowers, you have types of poop to choose from, depending on your level of disdain and hatred. There's chicken poop, goat poop, pig poop, and cow poop. For the most loathsome of assholes, there is horse shit (Perfect for some who is full of it and acts like a complete horse's ass.)
The price for this service depends on poop type and amount, but it ranges from $9 to $19. You can add a card or send it anonymously, and I strongly recommend you to opt for the latter.
6Your Dog's Poop
Instead of random poop like the service offered above, you could mail a very specific piece of shit — one forgotten by an uncivilized dog owner. That's exactly what happened in a small town in Spain.
The Madrid-adjacent municipality of Brunete teamed up with venerable ad agency McCann Erickson to launch a campaign aimed at reducing the amount of dog poop found in the town's streets. The stunt involved sending out volunteers to spot irresponsible dog owners and engage them in light conversation so as to determine their dog's name and breed.
"With the name of the dog and the breed it was possible to identify the owner from the registered pet database held in the town hall," a spokesman for the town council is quoted as saying. The uncollected "caca" would then be scooped up and placed in a box marked "lost property" and shipped express back to its rightful owner.
The campaign not only helped reduce the quantity of unclaimed dog crap by 70 percent, but it also won McCann the Silver Sun award at the 2013 Latin American Festival of Advertising Communication.
The only thing worse than all the junk mail stuffed in your mailbox is finding a card that's actually addressed to you, but is covered in mounds of glitter. Glitter has a reputation for being impossible to clean up, which is why some call it the herpes of the craft world. The shiny stuff ends up all over your hands, your face, and your home, and it's all but impossible to get rid of. That's why a glitter bomb, courtesy of ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com, is the perfect prank.
The site is pretty self-explanatory. You send the company $10 Australian dollars (which works out to just over $8 U.S.) give them an address, and sit back and wait. In a few weeks time your enemy will find a nondescript but non-threatening envelope in the mail which they won't realize is stuffed to the brim with glitter until it's too late. Once they pull out the letter inside the glitter bomb will be released, and you'll be left feeling a smug sense of satisfaction for anonymously striking back at your foes.
The website got so popular so quickly that its founder begged people to stop paying for glitter bombs to be delivered to their enemies' doors. He sold the website less than a month after it launched for $85,000.
Want to ship something that will confuse the hell out of your friends, enemies, family, boss or co-workers for days, weeks, months, even years? Ship them nothing and watch how crazy they will go trying to figure out what it might have been or who sent it!
For as low as $3.99, while you sit at home sipping on your favorite drink, your enemy will receive a first class envelope with his name hand written on it. As he anxiously opens it, he finds nothing… yes, NOTHING! How disappointing is that?
To make things even more mysterious, the envelope is handwritten, and if you want to add extra suspense, you can order a whole fragile box filled with disappointment and emptiness.