- Who knew the government tracks what people shove up their exhaust pipes?
The U.S. government keeps records of many things that happen in the country. One of those things is what people inset into their bottoms.
We’re serious.
The National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS) tracks every ER visit that occurs in America. It compiles the case reports into anonymous files that are publicly available.
Naturally, these files include all the times doctors had to pull something out from people’s behinds. And oh boy, is that list a doozy.
Here are 25 of the weirdest and most horrible things people stuck up their asses in 2025, organized alphabetically for your convenience.
1. Baseball
A baseball does seem like the kind of thing a butt-curious person might try inserting. And that’s exactly what happened here. According to the NEISS notes, the patient reported putting the ball up their butt “to see what it felt like.”
Points for honesty, we suppose.
2. Battery-powered Light
Some of the entries are infuriatingly vague. Like, what do they mean by “battery-powered light?” We need details! It can’t be a flashlight because of reasons you’ll find out later.
3. Beard Clippers
Pushing beard clippers into your behind sounds like a terrible idea, what with all the sharp bits. But don’t worry, the documents note that the clippers were “wrapped in plastic” for protection. Oh, and the person said they put the clippers up there “as constipation relief.”
4. Corn Cob Holder
Speaking of sharp bits… Ow. Just ow.
You can’t help wondering whether the person inserted the holder from the rear or accidentally swallowed it. Sadly, we don’t know.
5. Corn Cob Pipe
Unlike a corn cob holder, a corn cob pipe doesn’t have any pokey parts, so we suppose that’s a plus. The real question here, though, is how they got the sideways corn cob bowl up there.
Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered.
6. Dog Chew Toy
This guy (or gal, the reports don’t specify) had a bone to pick with somebody. Or perhaps they were trying to pick something with a bone. In any case, they were boned by the end of this experiment.
Wonder if Fido wanted the chew toy back afterward.
7. Doorknob
Did this person remove the knob off the door before getting freaky with it? Or were they tying their shoelaces without pants on in the bedroom when somebody opened the door particularly forcefully?
8. Egg
Again, we really wish we had more detail. Was the egg raw or cooked? We’d imagine cooked if it needed medical intervention, but the people need to know for sure!
9. Eyeglasses
Just, how and why? Why are your glasses the first thing you’d try shoving up your rear? Or was this an actual case of accidentally sitting on something?
10. Film Canister
Do half the people reading this even remember what a film canister is? If you’re too young to know, they were little plastic cylinders you stored physical camera film in before you took it to the photographer for development. Perhaps this person was really overcome by nostalgia for the cameras of old.
Speaking of old cameras, check out our article on 8 reasons why being an old-timey photographers was a weird and dangerous job.
11. Flashlight
We told you the “battery-powered light” from earlier couldn’t be a flashlight, because a flashlight has its own entry. Guess somebody was trying to shed some light on the parts where the sun doesn’t shine.
12. Light Bulb
Most people get taught as kids why sticking a lightbulb in your mouth is a terrible idea. But some don’t realize showing it up your ass is equally bad. To add to the cringe factor, the documents specify that the bulb was inserted “glass-side first.”
13. Marbles
Somebody must’ve really lost their marbles. We know there are beads you can shove up there, but the thing is that those come with a string so that you can pull them out. Marbles don’t.
14. Pencils
The most interesting part about this entry is that it wasn’t just a pencil. It was pencils — two of them to be precise. Maybe the third time would’ve been the charm and they all would’ve ejected on their own.
15. Plastic Coat Hanger
It’s nice that NEISS specified that the coat hanger was plastic. Nobody would waste a good hardwood hanger on butt stuff.
The case report also states that the hanger had been “altered so the person could drive to the ER.” You can use your imagination to figure out what that could possibly mean.
16. Plastic Cleanser Bottle
A bottle of washing stuff is not that weird of a thing to get stuck in someone’s butt. Well, it is weird, but it’s one of the more common things people try getting in there. What sets this one apart is that the NEISS felt the need to note that the bottle was filled with an unspecified liquid.
Was it cleanser or something else? We’ll never know.
17. Rectangular Travel Toothbrush
This case was somehow really mystifying to us. Aren’t all toothbrushes somewhat rectangular? Why did the NEISS include the detail that this was specifically a rectangular toothbrush? Would the results have been different if the handle had been shaped differently?
18. Rock
Sometimes when you’re stuck between the rock and a hard place, your only option is to stick the rock up your tush. Or something. Now we’re just curious about the shape of the rock.
19. Sandal
And we thought the eyeglasses were a weird thing to stuff up your butt. How would you even get a sandal in…? Know what, never mind. We don’t want to know.
20. Shampoo Bottle
The infamous shampoo bottle makes a total of two entries on the 2025 records, which is honestly surprisingly few. In both entries, NEISS records that the bottle was full.
In one of the cases, however, the patient cited “boredom” as a reason for sticking the bottle in their butt. Have you ever been that bored?
21. Thermos
Curiously, the report on the thermos bottle included a detail that it was “discovered during a police body scan.” Wonder if somebody was trying to smuggle some contraband in their prison wallet.
22. Turkey Baster
We won’t speculate too much on this one. Baste yourself all you want, but remember that the squeezy part of the baster should remain outside your body cavity to keep the tool usable.
23. Uncooked Pasta
Was it spaghetti, fettuccine, or tagliatelle? Honestly, we’re a little disappointed that the pasta was uncooked. Getting cooked pasta in there would’ve been much more impressive.
24. Vape Pen
Grandpa got his corn cob pipe in his rear, so sonny boy wanted to follow the family tradition with a vape pen. To all you smokers and vapers out there — the smoking implement goes in your mouth, not your butt. Actually, having said that, you’re better off keeping out of all your orifices.
25. Wine Stopper
Well, a wine stopper is made to go in a hole… The thing just is that a wine bottle starts resisting to wedge the stopper in place. Your butt doesn’t.
Was this not enough butt stuff for you? Perhaps you’d like to read about the older gent who caused a hospital evacuation by showing up with a World War I artillery shell in his rear. Or maybe you’d be more interested in the strangest butts in the animal kingdom.