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Kids can be exasperating. They ask unending questions, refuse to do what you’ve asked, or don’t listen to a word you say. It’s easy to reach the end of your proverbial rope.
How you respond when your kids are being vexing is important. Yelling isn’t the most effective tactic. Nor is throwing a fit, much like your kids have probably done time after time.
They say that parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, but childing doesn’t, either. What’s certain is that you have to be the adult, even when you don’t feel like it.
When you reach that point where you’ve had enough, giving up isn’t an option. Instead, try these five solutions when your kids are getting on your very last nerve.
1. Give Everyone Some Space
The pandemic lockdown revealed much about family dynamics. One of the first lessons you might have learned is that there is such a thing as too much togetherness. When you and your kids are deadlocked, you might want to adjourn for a while.
Give yourself some time away without giving your kids an old-fashioned timeout. Send them out to explore, along with a kids phone so they can stay in touch. These devices, which don’t allow internet access, are designed to keep kids safe from online predators and negative social media. Those connections to the internet can be especially dangerous when your kids are frustrated with you.
Meanwhile, you can rest easy knowing that the phone’s GPS will keep track of where they are. Plus, you can communicate with each other by call or text. That may come in handy if your kids decide to apologize, or you need them to come home.
A little space for a while gives everyone time to cool down and breathe deeply. In the heat of some moments, space may indeed be the final frontier.
2. Keep Your Composure
Even young kids are pretty perceptive. Every time you lose your temper, they take note and file it under “Parental Triggers.” That’s precisely how they learn how to push your buttons, and they keep pushing them to test your limits.
You should take stock of what your kids do that sparks your frustration and anger. It could be whining, crying, throwing things, hitting you, a lack of appreciation, or yelling that they hate you. Figure out why those things set you off, and you’ll be able to address them.
Events from your own past may be the root of the reason you take everything personally. Perhaps you never felt heard as a child and you still feel that way. Maybe you feel like everything you do for your kids goes unnoticed and that you aren’t valued.
Instead of striking back when your kids make you angry, take a deep breath and be silent. Think through a calm response then deliver it. If they can no longer get a rise out of you, they’ll figure out that button is out of operation.
3. Choose Your Words Carefully
Both words and actions are modes of communication. Kids, depending on their age, don’t always know how to communicate properly. Moreover, they tend to react emotionally rather than rationally.
It’s just as easy for you to lash out without considering the impact of your words as it is for kids. If-then statements are far more effective than ultimatums. That’s probably because they suggest to kids that if they follow through with something, then they will be rewarded.
“Turn off the television right now and eat dinner, or go to your room,” might be more effective stated another way. Try, “If you turn that off and eat dinner now, you can watch TV for an extra 20 minutes before bed.”
The lure of a one reward for obeying could lead to less resistance moving forward. But it’s the delivery of words that implies compromise without losing your power as a parent that matters. You might be surprised at what your kids will learn about communication as well.
4. Avoid Meaningless Threats and Lack of Follow-Through
Spewing impossible threats and repeating dire consequences without following through are some of the worst things a parent can do. It doesn’t take kids long to catch on. They know you won’t do what you say you will.
If you do this, there are essentially no consequences for bad behavior. Remember the tip about taking a moment to think before shouting back at your children? That will give you time to also consider what you’re threatening to do in the heat of the moment.
Consequences should be realistic, specific, and commensurate with the behavior. They should also be enforced and be disciplinary, not vengeful. Remember your own parents saying, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!”? That’s not a pattern you want to repeat.
Instead try, “Take some time to calm down, and then we’ll talk about this.” That will provide everyone the chance to simmer down and give you time to choose your words and the consequences carefully. And don’t neglect to follow through on them so the lesson is truly learned.
5. Be the Adult in the Room
In the parent-child power dynamic, volatile moments can blur the focus on who is really in charge. As the parent, you are, but your kids will challenge that time after time if you let them. Still, being the one with the ultimate power doesn’t mean you should be a tyrant.
The current political climate might suggest otherwise, but compromise truly isn’t dead. In the politics of parental power, balancing discipline with reward will change your kids’ behavior for the better. Moreover, it will make them better adults later on.
You have the power to ground your kids for a month. But maybe you propose that if they change their behavior sooner, you’ll reinstate some of their privileges sooner as well. The promise of screen time, for example, could be a strong motivator.
You should be the adult in the room — an enlightened despot who treats your kids with respect. That can be enormously challenging during extremely trying moments. No one said adulting or parenting would be easy!
It’s All About Connection
The connection between parent and child is simultaneously strong and tenuous. Kids often act out because they’re testing that connection. Parents, weary of the work of parenting when kids misbehave, may respond poorly.
Most people don’t like arguing with anyone. It creates tension, anxiety, and anger that, if not dealt with, can eat away at the quality of your life. In the case of your kids, it can eat away at that special connection you have with them.
You may be a parent, but you’re also human. Kids are going to stomp on your last nerve from time to time. If you can practice a few techniques to control how you react, you and your kids will get along better. Then, when your kids have kids of their own, you can sit back and watch. Maybe they’ll remember to use some of your solutions with your grandkids!