The Big Bang: How to Have Sex in Space (and Why NASA Doesn’t Want You To)

  • I am f***ing in a tin can, far above the world.

Since the dawn of time, mankind has gazed into the star-filled night sky. Silently, we’ve wondered: “What would it be like to have sex up there?”

What, you haven’t? It’s just us?

It can’t be just us. If it was, NASA wouldn’t officially have a policy of silent disapproval toward space sex.

But sooner or later, we’ll have to figure out how to boldly come where no man has come before. After all, several parties — like Elon Musk’s SpaceX and even NASA — are trying to put people back on the moon, on Mars, and probably other planets as well.

Space colonization might even become a necessity for human survival at some point. Considering the state of… Well, everything, we may eventually have to leave Planet Earth behind.

But human survival also necessitates having babies. And if we’re stuck on a spaceship, that’s where those babies will be made.

There’s just one problem with that — sex in space is pretty darn difficult. Let’s take a look at how it could work and why NASA doesn’t approve of it.

“You ever look at the stars and wonder-” “I’m not wearing the astronaut suit, Dave.”

No Sex in Space… Officially

Did you know that there are scientists who are actively researching sex in space? It’s true, but before you get too excited and start considering a career change, you should know that their work is purely theoretical.

At least for the time being.

One of these people is Simon Dubé, a sex researcher at the Kinsey Institute. He has written quite a bit on extraterrestrial sexuality and according to him, so far nobody has gotten busy while floating in a tin can.

“Officially, no sex has occurred in space,” Dubé told the Daily Beast.

Somehow, we find that hard to believe. More than 600 men and women have traveled to space, and many of them have been locked in close quarters at a space station for weeks on end.

There may have been some off-the-record copulation. But let’s stay official — sex in space hasn’t happened. But it may not be that way for long.

“This is likely to change — and for many reasons, must change — as we expand into the cosmos for ever longer periods of time,” explained Dubé.

You heard it from the expert — we must figure out how to do the deed in zero-G. But that’s easier said than done.

Houston, We’re Unable to Dock

On Earth, people have few problems with getting down and dirty. But human sex requires certain levels of friction and gravity for all involved partners to stay in bodily contact.

Put the amorous lovers into space and you start running into issues. To begin with, how is the copulating couple supposed to stay together?

In zero gravity, every small bump will push you one way or the other. Considering that human intercourse generally involves at least some thrusting, most vanilla sex positions become unfeasible.

One solution that has been suggested is using a bunch of straps and hooks to keep the couple together. We’re sure that sounds great to some people, but not everybody is into bondage.

Another method that’s come up is a special space sex suit (SSSS?). One iteration is a pair of crotchless bodysuits that could be velcroed together for…

Let’s call it docking to keep with the space theme.

Zero-G Babies?

But establishing a connection between the lovers isn’t the only issue with sex in space. And these are the bigger reasons why NASA doesn’t really want astronauts to do the zero-G horizontal/vertical mambo.

Sex often results in at least some splatter and spillage. On Earth, the emissions soak safely into your bedsheets or wherever, but in space, it’s a different story.

Uncontrolled bodily fluids will float around in bubbles in zero gravity, just like water. That’s not a particularly good idea when you’re surrounded by critical, moisture-sensitive electronics.

And then there’s an issue of pregnancy. Let’s say that a couple of heterosexual astronauts bang and the woman ends up pregnant.

What happens to the baby in zero gravity? How will the ever-present cosmic radiation affect the fetus?

NASA doesn’t know — nobody does. And the agency isn’t too keen on finding out.

But Dubé thinks that we will eventually have to figure it out. And in his opinion, it’d be better to do it sooner rather than later.

“[Space sex] is crucial to our well-being and long-term survival. The agencies and companies that accept this simple fact will gain a strategic advantage in our new age of space exploration,” he said.

So, who’s going to volunteer for the first experimental space sex flight?