- "Talk" about silence... How to get those communication juices flowing...
Most people above a certain age have noticed that conversation is less frequent than it used to be. We spend less time gathering, our social time is mediated by the presence of digital screens, and small talk with strangers is practically nonexistent. The good news is, if you’re interested in striking up more conversations and connecting with more people, there are several strategies that can help you do it.
The Death of Conversation?
It’s not just in your head; people are talking to each other less often. There are many reasons why this could be the case, such as:
- Busy schedules. Whether we like it or not, we’re all busy. We have more work, families, friends, hobbies, and projects than we can reasonably handle, and we’re all doing the best we can with the time we have. Why would you want to stop and talk for 10 minutes about nothing when you’re on your way to an important appointment?
- Digital entertainment. Digital entertainment doesn’t help. Almost all of us have access to a smartphone at all times, giving us a convenient distraction whenever we might otherwise be occupied with talking to another human being. If you’re in a waiting room or if you’re in line, you’ll probably prefer browsing social media to making small talk with the person next to you.
- Remote jobs. Remote work became very popular during the COVID-19 pandemic, and it’s not going away anytime soon. There are many advantages to this type of setup, but it leads to people being more isolated, spending more time at home, and communicating with each other only when necessary.
- The death of third spaces. Third spaces, like bars, cafes, and even front stoops, used to serve as equalizing gathering places for people who weren’t at work or home. Unfortunately, these spaces have declined in number and popularity, depriving us of critical socializing opportunities that we once had.
- Social norm reinforcement. As a result of these factors and others, we’ve continuously reinforced the idea that people don’t want to make small talk. If you try to engage someone in conversation and they ignore you to play on their phone, you’re less incentivized to try engaging the next person in conversation. In aggregate, this makes everyone less likely to start conversations.
In all likelihood, it’s a combination of these factors that has led to a natural overall decline in conversation.
What You Can Do About It
So what can you do about it?
- Create a third space of your own. Third spaces may be on the decline, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept things the way they are. Instead, you can create a third space of your own and invite more people to hang out there. For example, you could build an outdoor bar in your backyard and turn it into a neighborhood gathering spot. Even if you don’t have many friends in the neighborhood right now, you’ll probably make them in short order if you have an awesome outdoor bar where they can regularly lounge.
- Make time in your schedule. Oftentimes, people feel busier than they actually are. If you were willing to cut out some waste, like obsessive social media posting, you could probably make time to socialize with friends, family members, and even strangers. It doesn’t take much; even a few minutes of conversation can be meaningful.
- Go to where the people are. If you feel relatively isolated or if you don’t have many opportunities to regularly converse, consider going to where the people are. Depending on your circumstances, that could mean visiting the most popular venues and institutions in your city or even moving to a more populated area. If you’re surrounded by people, it’s only a matter of time before you find people worth talking to.
- Limit screen time. Our digital lives are, in many ways, obscuring and distorting our social lives. If you want to fight back against this, it’s important to limit your screen time as much as possible. Most of us work, maintain friendships, and entertain ourselves with digital screens; this doesn’t have to go away entirely, but if you can cut back your screen time even 10 percent, you’ll likely see noticeable improvements in your social life.
- Reach out to someone new every day. Make it a point to reach out to someone new every day, even if it’s only for a brief, somewhat unsatisfying interaction. For example, you can say hi to the mail delivery person or ask a neighbor walking by about their dog.
- Engage in more opportunities for small talk. Most Americans claim they’d rather sit in silence than make small talk, which probably aligns with your personal experience. But if you’re interested in talking more, take advantage of these opportunities. Don’t bother someone who looks like they’re actively trying to avoid engagement, but make yourself open and reach out to people who look open.
It’s a small tragedy that we don’t talk to each other as much as we did in the past. But it doesn’t have to stay this way. If you’re willing to expend even a fraction of effort to engage with other people and create opportunities for building relationships, you’ll see a significant return on your investment.