1Poisonous Brownies Offered as a Fake Apology
This sign was placed on the boys' home.
It's so brilliantly awful that it makes our list at number one. A 14-year-old girl from Brisbane, Australia made a gesture of apology to two teenage brothers whom she had teased the day before by baking them some brownies. It turns out, however, that the “apology” was a ruse - the brownies were filled with toxic household chemicals. Fortunately, the sweets tasted so bad that the children spat them out. “I hope you die,” the girl was later quoted as saying; she was given 8 months probation for the deed.
2Jihadists Apologize for Cutting Off the Wrong Person's Head
"We sincerely regret anyone who was inconvenienced by our error."
Militant Islamist rebels intended to celebrate the beheading of a rival fighter by posting the grisly deed on the web. But when the video was uploaded, it was quickly discovered that it was not a fighter in the Syrian army but a fellow rebel from a friendly sect. Embarrassed, the group posted a video apology asking for “understanding and forgiveness.”
3Pete Rose Sells Apologies for $299
Pete Rose was banned from baseball and then banned from the Baseball Hall of Fame for betting on the sport, sometimes against his own team. The former player and manager who was known as “Charlie Hustle” didn't publicly acknowledge his ethical misdeeds until 2004, decades after the fact. Now, you can get a personal apology from Mr. Hustle himself via his own web store. He will scribble on a baseball "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" and sign his autograph... for a mere $299.
4US Buries an Apology for the Treatment of Native Americans in a Spending Bill
There have been many lame apologies from the US government for the treatment of its people that were made many years after the fact (Japanese internment camps and slavery to name two), but perhaps the worst of them all was toward the Native Americans, who received an “apology” tucked into page 45 of a 67-page spending bill in 2010, the first-ever admission by the US. It quietly offered an apology to “all Native Peoples for the many instances of violence, maltreatment, and neglect inflicted on Native Peoples by citizens of the United States” with little fanfare. The final bill omitted any specific references to such heinous acts as the Trail of Tears and Wounded Knee, and added a clause that nothing in the apology “authorizes or supports any claim against the United States; or serves as a settlement of any claim against the United States.” Thanks, but no thanks.
5Lululemon Apology Angers Women in Yoga Pants
If you type “worst apology ever” into your favorite search engine, this will no doubt be at the top of your list (although it only makes #5 on ours.) Lululemon are makers of fashionable yoga stretch pants for women. After numerous complaints that the pants were too see-thru in the rear, Lululemon CEO Chip Wilson implied that it was the women's bodies, not the pants, that were at fault. After a huge uprear - I mean, uproar - the pants were recalled and Wilson took to YouTube to issue a personal apology. However, it only made things worse - this time the problem was that he apologized to his employees, but NOT to the women he offended. Lululemon is now selling the recalled yoga pants as "Second Chance Pants" with an extra layer of fabric sewn on the back for just $6 less than the regular version. They include a label which reads, “This is what celebrating failure looks like!”
6Newspaper Issues an Apology for a Negative Review of The Gettysburg Address
Check out some of those "silly remarks."
Just in time for the 150th anniversary of The Gettysburg Address by Abraham Lincoln, Harrisburg's Patriot-News finally apologized for dismissing it as “silly remarks” days after they were first spoken in 1863. Since then, it has become one of the most famous speeches in US history, with its memorable opening "Four score and seven years ago..." The Patriot-News regrets the error," the paper deadpanned.
7Dominos Says “So Sorry” About Making Good Pizza
Domino's Pizza, perhaps still in apology mode after the commercials that ran in 2009 where they admitted making bad pizza, don't know how to handle a compliment. Jeaneth Tavares took a picture of her pizza and posted it on Domino's Facebook page. She gushed, “Best Pizza Ever! Pan Pizza :) Keep up the good work guys,” to which they responded, “So sorry about that! Please share some additional information with us at… and please mention reference# 1409193 so we can have this addressed.” The post went viral, causing Domino's to apologize for their apology.
8Alec Baldwin's Non-Apology for Calling His Daughter a “Pig”
Father of the Year
Alec Baldwin has been apologizing for one stupid outburst after another for decades. But the true topper was when a voicemail message that he left for his 11-year-old daughter in which he calls her, among other things, “a thoughtless pig” was uploaded to the web. It took a spokesperson a couple of weeks to issue the following statement: "Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years,” attempting to downplay his awful behavior and inferring that it was her fault. He should use different language? Why not try "I'm sorry."
9Emperor Henry IV's Hollow Apology to Pope Gregory VII
It's a legendary apology - Emperor Henry IV was excommunicated by Pope Gregory VII in 1077 for appointing his own bishops. So, to humble himself before the pissed pontiff, Henry traveled across the icy Alps and kneeled in the snow for three days, begging forgiveness. Finally, Gregory relented and welcomed him back. But it's also a legendary diss, because just a few years later the Holy Roman Emperor exiled Gregory and appointed Clement III to replace him.