- You can only wish you'll be this virile when you're pushing 200.
A change of guard took place this year in the realm of tortoises. Jonathan, a 190-year-old giant tortoise living on St. Helena, has become the world’s oldest tortoise ever.
Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement. Jonathan is now officially the oldest chelonian — the order of reptiles that includes all turtles, terrapins, and tortoises.
On top of the new record, Jonathan was already the world’s oldest living land animal. The senior has certainly received the recognition his age deserves.
But the years have taken their toll on Jonathan. He went blind long ago, and he has also lost his sense of smell.
Jonathan hasn’t let such trivialities as lacking sight or smell slow him down, though. The nearly bicentennial tortoise spends his day sleeping, eating well, and getting his tortoise freak on with his boyfriend.
That’s right. On top of being bicentennial, Jonathan is bisexual.
Pent-up Aggression
Jonathan originally arrived on the island of St. Helena in 1882. He wasn’t a hatchling even back then, though.
Although his actual birthday remains a mystery, he had already reached a respectable when he first set foot on St. Helena. It’s estimated that in 1882, he was already roughly 50 years old.
The tortoise roamed the island for decades to the amusement of British officials and their guests. But as the years kept coming, Jonathan started turning from a calm young man to a cranky geezer.
When Jonathan reached his 80s — in other words, sometime in the 1930s — he had become increasingly annoyed and aggressive. He’d knock over benches and even started chasing cricket players on the lawn of St. Helena’s governor’s mansion.
For another six decades, Jonathan continued wreaking slow-moving havoc on the island. Finally, at long last, somebody thought to ask why the turtle had become so grumpy.
Was it just a result of his advancing age? Or was he perhaps sick?
A veterinary checkup revealed the reason. Jonathan was just suffering from a serious case of blue balls.
Dude Looks Like a Lady
Jonathan’s caretakers decided that it was time for him to get a girlfriend. And so, in 1991, Frederica — a sprightly young tortoise — arrived on the island.
Jonathan was soon smitten with his new partner. The two tortoises started spending more and more time together, developing a strictly scheduled daily routine.
The couple would sleep during the same hours every day, before proceeding to dine of veggies and vitamins. And every Sunday morning, Jonathan would hump the living daylights out of Frederica.
Jonathan’s and Frederica’s romance blossomed like this for nearly 30 years, but for some reason they never managed to produce offspring. Then, in 2017, caretakers discovered a newly developed lesion on Frederica’s shell.
Vets came around and repaired the damage, no problem. But they also noticed something else — Frederica is actually Frederic.
Without anyone realizing, Jonathan and Frederic had been having a gay old time together. Despite them now being outed, their caretakers decided to let them keep living as they’d been for almost three decades.
And so it is to this day. Every Sunday morning, Frederic dutifully bottoms for his elderly lover.
Two Are Better Than One
Yes, yes, we see your hands up in the back row. “But doesn’t this make Jonathan a gay tortoise?” you ask.
The answer is no. He might be the oldest thing on land, but Jonathan still has the seismic lust of a young, hormone-ridden tortoise.
And although he’s clearly dedicated to Frederic, their relationship isn’t exactly monogamous. To satisfy his tremendous thirst for tortoise sex, Jonathan’s acquired a friend with benefits.
The name of that friend is Emma. Residents and caretakers on the island have spotted the two banging on the occasion.
Maybe Frederic had a headache that day.
There is also a fourth tortoise on the island, called David. Jonathan’s attempted to get amorous with him too, but apparently David doesn’t swing that way since he keeps rejecting the old geezer’s advances.
It seems Jonathan’s going to have to keep enjoying the autumn days of his life while banging only two of his three friends.