10 Bizarre Valentine’s Products & Services

Chocolate and sex go hand in hand on Valentine's Day, but if you really want to think outside of the heart-shaped box this year, there's really only one option – an Edible Anus.

According to the Edible Anus website, the idea is the brainchild of London-based artist Magnus Irvin. In 2006, Irvin created a range of multi-colored chocolate anuses to present in an exhibit. During this exhibition, Irvin met Dutch businessman Michael Rizema, who was interested in turning Irvin's anuses into a marketable product. Irvin tried to cast a mold of his own anus, but the outcome was messy and disastrous. While explaining his failure to a chance acquaintance at a bus stop, he was happy to find that his fellow bus passenger was willing to allow him to cast her anus.

Irvin's edible anuses – which are made of the finest Belgian chocolate – come in boxes of three, with each box containing a “meek milk” chocolate anus, a “dilated dark” chocolate anus, and a “tight white” chocolate anus. It appears the smallest order size available is a set of five boxes, which will set you back $38.95; if, however, you have a wide variety of people you would like to surprise, you can also get a package of 10 boxes for $72.95. Be warned, however –  they've been so popular this year that they are currently out of stock.

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and Valentine's Day drinks are no exception.

At one bar in Austin, patrons who've done especially well for themselves this year can treat their loved ones to a margarita that costs more than what most new college graduates make in a year. Behold, The Iron Cactus's $30,000 Vision for Valentine's Margarita.

It may not look like much, but this is not your average margarita doled out at your aunt's retirement party. This fine libation is packed with Grand Marnier Centenaire, Patrón Platinum Tequila, freshly squeezed lime juice and 100 percent organic agave nectar. And, oh yeah, did I mention the 3.75-carat diamond earrings, handcrafted by Zoltan David, that come with it? Yes, that's right. This isn't just a $30,000 way to get you slightly buzzed; it's a gorgeous piece of jewelry you get to keep as a permanent souvenir of that time you drank thousands of dollars worth of Patrón and juice.

If you are spending Valentine's alone (and if you aren't, dump your boyfriend right now), for just over £100, or $150 (four minutes of your wages if you're a high-flying lawyer... which you aren't), you can hire a buff, nearly-naked butler to wait on you hand and foot and run a bath for you on Valentine's Day. He'll get the bathroom hot and steamy... and then he'll run the bath.

As a part of a team-up between Butlers In The Buff and Bathrooms.com, you can get a Butler In The Buff for two hours. That's right, not two minutes... but TWO HOURS. Sounds good enough for me!

The classic, cuddly stuffed bear has been given an X-rated makeover with this bizarre new "Teddy Love" sex toy. The bear that loves you back is a cute stuffed teddy with a vibrating nose and tongue and is set to be this year's hottest Valentine's Day gift.

This unconventional sex toy was the brainchild of Wendy Adams. Adams said the product was inspired by a cold New England night when she was hugging a teddy bear under some blankets while watching TV.

The doll is being marketed towards women, but Teddy Love apparently has charms for males as well. The doll vibrates at 10 different speeds and is available at TeddyLove.net for $100, but was sale priced at $74.95 before Valentine's Day.

Feeling the sting of rejection? Itching to get even with an ex? The San Francisco Zoo is offering the burned and spurned masses the chance to "adopt" a hissing cockroach or giant scorpion in honor of their special ex-someone for Valentine's Day.

The zoo is highlighting two of its less-desirable inhabitants through the adopt-an-animal program that is usually used to raise money for the care of more cuddly or attractive creatures, such as penguins, lions and pandas. It's Valentine's Day special compares the creepy characteristics of Madagascar hissing cockroaches and giant hairy scorpions (that are native to the Southwest U.S.) to the ways of heart-breaking mammals with two legs.

"These invertebrates are aggressive, active, and alarmingly nocturnal. Much like your lowlife ex, they are usually found in and around low-elevation valleys where they dig elaborate burrows or 'caves,'" the zoo says on its promotion page for the desert scorpion. "Also, just like you-know-who, when a suitable victim wanders by, the scorpion grabs the doomed creature with its pinchers and stings the prey ... Charming."

For $50 and up, donors can adopt a scorpion and have the zoo send a certificate and stuffed stinger to the person who inspired the adoption. The cockroach valentine that the zoo says represents "the detritus of your love life" costs $25.

Valentine's Day is billed as the most romantic day of the year, and for most couples, it means pulling out all the stops to show their partners just how much they care. However, one woman used the special day to leave her boyfriend – with a cold-hearted message on a gas station's advertising board.

In 2013, "Laura" paid to display the message at an Esso garage in Manchester because she knew her boyfriend went there every day for lunch so he would see it.

The ad, which became a hit on social media, was spotted by Jordan Wilson who posted it on Twitter with the caption: "This has to be the meanest dump ever. And it appears that the break-up message didn't set 'Laura' back too much - the ad space can be hired out for £100 ($150) a month."

The Amscreen board, upon which the cruel message was displayed, usually advertises snack deals.

Thousands of tourists jet to the Paris every year to proclaim their love by attaching padlocks to one of the city's most iconic bridges. The amorous visitors hook these "love-locks" to the famous Pont de Arts bridge, often with their names written on the metal as a sign of their enduring affection.

Sickening isn't it?

Well, the heartbroken, lonely and jealous can rejoice in the news that a new company will happily cut off the vomit-inducing baubles with a bolt-cutter and fling them into the water.

As Valentine's Day looms, F***love.Paris states on their website: "Valentines day sucks. And it's even worse when there are sickeningly happy couples everywhere around you.”

For a small sum, employees will take a trip to the famous love-lock bridge in Paris, cut off the eternal love of three couples, and toss them into the river. Or recycle them, as the company adds: "If you only want the river to be polluted by beer bottles and effluence, the choice is yours."

When they are done, they will send you a personalized video of the locks getting cut, and may even yell out something you've chosen in the process. Sounds romantic, doesn't it?

Finding the perfect Valentine's gift can be a bit of a struggle. How much should you spend on him to let him know you care? Will she like that perfume you bought her?

Well, there might be another option, thanks to three enterprising PhD researchers at the University of Leuven in Belgium – yes, really, they are a romantic bunch. Maarten, Tjorven and Jeroen have launched writeitinthestars.com, a project to fund future research at their university.

Essentially, they're going to put people's paid-for romantic musings on a CubeSat, or miniature satellite, and send it up into orbit. After 10 years, the satellite will enter the atmosphere and your message will turn into a beautiful shooting star. D'aww.

It does have it its setbacks, though. The launch of the CubeSat isn't set to take place until next year, so your loved one will be waiting a long time before your message gets up into orbit. Let's hope you're still together by then. Of course, you won't be able to see it, as the tiny object will be orbiting the Earth at an altitude of 500km and a speed of 27000 km/h. Regardless, it's still a nice enough gesture if you're stuck for a present to buy.

The price of the messages are about €0.88 (a little over $1 dollar) per character.

When we think about Valentine's Day, our thoughts turn naturally to gifts, much to the glee of the world's diamond merchants. Yet, those mall-store enthusiasts really don't think big enough. Why give someone a trinket or a tassel with just a couple of crystals when you can fulfill their fantasies with a diamond-studded car — even if it is just a Ford Escape?

What you see here is a special customization package dreamed up by Jennings Ford in northeast England, and applied to the SUV known there as the Kuga. For 1 million British pounds (or $1.5 million), Jennings will hand-apply a special coating of more than 1 million diamonds and Svarvoski crystals to your choice of Ford family hauler.

I doubt that even the most desperate dealer would transform a $30,000 SUV they can sell into a $1.5 million one they can't. Until we see footage of an actual crystal-coated Escape on the road, let's consider this a Valentine's fantasy rather than real love.

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi believes you should get your sweetie something special for Valentine's Day, but it shouldn't be a bouquet of roses or a box of chocolates, or even one of those incredibly creepy Teddy Bear Sex Toys mentioned above. Nancy would like you to take your sweetie (gender non-specific, of course) down to your local Obamacare office and sign them up for free government healthcare.

During her weekly briefing prior to this year's Valentine's Day, Rep. Pelosi said, “Don't forget, in case you were forgetting, this Sunday marks the last day of the current open enrollment period for the Affordable Care Act. Under the Affordable Care Act, enrollment has been extremely successful, and exceeded expectations.” She continued “Don't forget... as a nice Valentine Day (gift) you can take your loved one to sign up for the Affordable Care Act.”

Think of the look in your loved one's eyes when, after giving over all of her personal medical information to the government, you can reward her with her first pack of free birth control. After all, there is nothing less condescending to women than assuming they have no power to pay for their own rubbers.

If you do this, bear in mind that your relationship may be in trouble immediately. More trouble than if you had bought that bear.