- Hairy palms are nowhere near the worst thing that could happen after some self-love.
Cranking the hog, spanking the monkey, flicking the bean… There are a lot of words for exploring your own nether regions because everybody does it.
And hey, appreciating your own body is all fun and games. Until it isn’t.
Sometimes, thing can go way south while bashing the bishop. Maybe you got too adventurous or fell victim to an extremely unlikely series of events.
Either way, the results can be funny, strange, or absolutely terrifying. Here are X stories of when masturbation didn’t end as expected.
Oh, and a friendly disclaimer. If reading about people doing unspeakable things to their genitals doesn’t sound like a good time, you can go read about why your brain is incredibly stupid instead
1. The Explosive Grandpa
In 2022, an 88-year-old French man arrived at a hospital in the city of Toulon. When asked what his issue was, the man promptly informed the hospital staff that there was a World War I-ear artillery shell lodged in his butt and he couldn’t he couldn’t get it out.
Now, the man didn’t say that he was exploring places where the sun don’t shine. He probably totally slipped and fell on the shell, right?
He assured the hospital staff that the shell was deactivated and it couldn’t explore. However, not ready to take any risks, the staff evacuated the hospital and called the bomb squad to the operation room.
Fortunately, surgeons were able to pull the seven-inch-long, 3.5-inch-wide shell out without any complications — and it indeed was deactivated. Still, the bomb squad confiscated the shell so, sadly, the octogenarian was deprived of his favorite explosive.
2. The Dead Nanny
In 2009, Nicola Paginton’s boss knocked on her door after she had missed work — which was very unusual for Paginton who worked as a nanny. When there was no answer, her concerned employer asked a neighbor for help and they forced their way in.
Sounds extreme, but it’s good that they did. Her boss and neighbor found Paginton dead on her bed.
By her side, she had a vibrator and a porn movie was playing on her laptop.
An autopsy found no foul play, and all signs pointed to a sudden fatal heart attack. It seems Paginton sadly got too excited over the erotic film.
3. (Not So Much) Fun in the Park
The year is 2008 and 41-year-old Le Xing is walking in a park in Hong Kong. He sits down to rest on a bench when he notices that the metal seat is perforated with round holes.
So, he decides to stick his penis in one. As you do.
However, Xing quickly realized that he couldn’t pull his wang out. Hopelessly stuck, he called the police in what we can only imagine was incredibly awkward conversation.
Unfortunately, even draining blood from Xing’s penis couldn’t dislodge him. In the end, rescue workers had to cut off a piece of the bench and take it to a hospital still attached to Xing.
After four hours, surgeons finally pulled Xing off his love seat. It’s a good thing too, because they had decided to cut his penis off instead if things had gone on for one more hour.
4. Fork Me, Baby
Now, it’s not uncommon for healthcare workers to have to pull things out of people’s butts, like our explosive Frenchman demonstrated. This older Australian gent, however, decided to probe another opening.
The one on his dong.
In 2013, the 70-year-old checked into a hospital because he was, well, bleeding out of his penis. Interviews and X-rays revealed the reason — he had stuck a four-inch-long fork up his urinary tract.
The thing was so deep, it wasn’t outwardly visible (apart from the bizarre bulges on his penis). Unlike what you might imagine, though, the man didn’t need surgery.
The doctors simply put him under, stuck a pair of forceps in, and pulled the fork out. All was well, and the man went home the next day.
5. Talk About a Sex Drive
In 2015, a British woman was stuck in traffic. The jam didn’t seem to be clearing at all, so the 30-something woman decided to put the waiting to good use.
So, she pulled out a rabbit-style vibrator and went to town.
Unfortunately, in the throes of passion, her foot landed on the gas pedal. Her car lurched forward and rear-ended the food service van in front of her.
According to news reports at the time, the van’s driver — who was working his first day — was worried he’d get fired when his boss called him into his office. Instead, he only wanted to share a laugh with the new guy when rear-facing dashboard cam on the van caught the embarrassed woman pulling her pants up before stepping out to exchange insurance info.
6. Pass the Sauce
In 2008, Australian Keith Weatherley parked in a no-parking zone in Nobby Beach. When a police car stopped to check out what was going on, they observed the partially dressed Weatherley fiddling with something in his lap.
They asked Weatherley to drop the item, which they worried could be a weapon, and asked him to step out of the vehicle. They thought their suspicions were confirmed when Weatherley sped away, leading the cops on what would become a 12-mile chase.
In the end, the cops had to spray Weatherley with mace and beat him with batons to stop him from trying to escape. That’s when they realized he wasn’t holding a gun.
Instead, he was masturbating with a jar of pasta sauce. And he kept doing so while the cops were beating the crap out of him.
In the car, the police found a “homemade sex toy,” porn rags, women’s stockings, and Weatherley’s pet Jack Russell terrier. We’d rather not imagine the things the pooch must’ve seen.
7. Machine Shop Horror
For this last entry, be fairly warned — it involves horrific genital trauma.
In 1991, a machine shop worker showed up at a hospital with nightmarish genital injuries. His penis had swollen to “twice the size of a grapefruit,” it was bruised and infected, and he was missing his left testicle.
Following an emergency surgery to save his necrotic crotch (and his life), the man shared what had happened. It turns out that he was a complete loner, so much so that he wouldn’t go out for lunch with his coworkers.
Instead, he used this alone time to get it on with the canvas driving belt of one of the shop’s machines. Specifically, he would lightly hold his penis against the belt to pleasure himself.
On the fateful day, however, his concentration slipped. His privates got a smidgen too close, and…
You can imagine the rest. Yet, the man had been so embarrassed about the accident that he had stapled his torn crotch together with a construction stapler and finished his work day.