Remember the good old days of childhood? When your biggest concerns were spelling tests and what was for lunch. You were king of the lunchroom whenever you scored a Lunchables. They were charcuterie plates for kids, an entire stackable meal, with dessert. But not all Lunchables are equal. Remember how they tried to give us cold pizza and convince us it was awesome? I do, and it’s at the bottom of the list. Like every other company from our childhoods, Lunchables has worked hard to expand its product line through the decades to appeal to today’s hip kids. And some of their products have gotten a little weird.
10 Most Bizarre Lunchables Flavors
Italian Style Chicken
Well, bless them for trying. It’s chicken parmigiana for kids. Breaded chicken nuggets you dunk in marinara and then roll in grated cheese. The best thing about it might be the red, green, and white M&Ms. You know someone in marketing got a promotion for that detail.
Asian Style BBQ Chicken
Oh, what a mess. “Asian” is an broad categorization for what I suspect is just typical American barbecue sauce. Also, the only things in this Lunchable are chicken nuggets and barbecue sauce. Not even “Asian” shredded cheese.
Mini Hot Dogs
On the one hand, very cute. Who doesn’t love both tiny versions of things and hot dogs? On the other hand, who wants a cold hot dog? It’s not good. Even though you know, they’re already cooked, eating a cold hot dog straight from the fridge feels like you’re eating raw meat.
Mexican Style Chicken Tacos
These could be great. Fine, even. But there’s no salsa. No matrix to hold the taco together. It’s just chicken nuggets and shredded cheese in a flour tortilla. And it’s from their “without drink” line, so good luck choking down that dry nightmare, kids. Churro cookies for dessert, though? 10/10.
Nachos Cheese and Salsa
This one isn’t weird; I just wanted to make a point that Lunchables has salsa. It’s already packaged and ready to go. Just give it to these poor kids trying to hork down dry tacos.
First, kabob is a wild enough word for kids to say; you don’t need to dumb it down for them. Second, this isn’t nearly enough to be a meal, nor is it remotely a pizza. It’s cheese and pepperoni on a pretzel stick. It’s a creative way of eating cheese and cured meats (seriously, why didn’t I think of it?), but it’s not a pizza.
100% Juice Lunchables
Most of the lunch packs come with Capri Sun, which drank like juice when you were a kid, but if you have one now, it’s straight sugar without the delightful carbonation of Diet Coke. So Lunchables answer is the 100% Juice offerings, which are ostensibly “healthy.” It’s weird for a third grader to assemble a turkey club for lunch.
Natural Meat and Cheese
You don’t think about how gross Lunchables are until they come out with something specifically “natural.” To be clear, all meat and cheese should be natural. You get Oreos for dessert instead of candy, which is also pretty boujee.
Bacon and Cheese
First, I’m disappointed Lunchables didn’t develop the “Brunchable” product line until I was an adult. Throw a mini bottle of prosecco in, and there’s a viable market among adults for these. Plus, you get a mini blueberry muffin for dessert. The weirdest part is a kid that has to take breakfast on the go because they have an early meeting.
Pizza and Treatza
Such a confusing Lunchable. The pizza is the absolute worst of the Lunchables flavors. It’s chewy dough with cold sauce and unmelted cheese. No one in their right mind wants such a thing. But chewy dough with chocolate sauce and M&Ms? Yes, please.