Drunk Bus Driver

Told by: Jptetterton
Illustration by Camila Ferreira Fretes

I had been living about two hours away in Greenville, NC. when I came back to Morehead City see my friends a few days after my birthday. One of my friends decided we needed to party to celebrate. I got super drunk. Her ex-husband showed up at the point where she and I were in our underwear on the front porch with a couple of marines. Her ex freaked out, the marines left, and she gave me a couple of sedatives to chill me out. I decided to hitchhike home. Some random guy picked me up, but immediately got a call from his girlfriend who said she needed to be picked up from work. He dropped me off at a gas station across the highway from a school. I would have called someone to get me, but I had left my phone in the guys truck. I never got it back. I bought some beer and drank it behind the gas station. This was when I blacked out. Somehow I made it across a five-lane highway, blackout drunk on a Saturday night. By 1 AM Sunday morning, I had made it into the school parking lot where I decided, in my drunken stupor, that I would borrow a school bus and drive it back to my friend’s house, which I did. I drove about three miles through town. Going through one of the busiest intersections in the process. Somehow, I had turned all of the flashing lights on, but couldn’t figure out how to turn them off. I made it to my friend’s house successfully and honked the horn. Her ex had shown back up, and he immediately called the police. When the police got there, they asked me to step out of the bus and asked me where I was going. To be an asshole I told him I was going to California—which is exactly what the newspaper printed the next day. To sum up the rest of the evening… I tried to seduce the guy taking my fingerprints, heard from them that I filled a tinker bell lunchbox with a bunch of cell phones I found on the other buses, and told them my nickname was “tater salad” a la the comedian Ron White. When I was bailed out, they returned my tinker bell lunchbox filled with cell phones. So to recap—I drunkenly drove a school bus through town at 2 in the morning on a Sunday with all of the lights flashing, and no one thought anything unusual was happening. Google Jillian Tetterton school bus and you can read all about it.

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