- People really should stick to things that are actually designed to go in the booty.
Did you know that you can simply ask government agencies to tell you what’s going on? America, the U.K., and many other countries have Freedom of Information laws that compel governmental organizations to share documents and data if they’re legally able to do so.
In the U.K., the national news agency Press Association recently put this power to good and noble use. They asked Great Britain’s hospitals to supply them with the numbers and details of all cases since 2022 involving “foreign bodies in rectums.”
In other words, all the times somebody came to the hospital because they needed something pulled out of their butt.
All in all, U.K. doctors have logged more than 1,500 such cases in the last four years. But with the FOI request, only around 10% of the hospitals supplied an itemized list of what they recovered.
Still, in addition to the usual vegetables and other phallic objects, there was plenty of weird stuff on there. Here’s the cream of the crop of the objects removed from British gents’ and ladies’ bottoms.
1. Vape
Let’s kick things off with one of the most common items British doctors have had to remove. Vapes of various forms are at the top of the list.
It’s a pity the hospitals didn’t (or more likely couldn’t) provide more specific details about the cases. It’d be interesting to know why people are shoving their vapes in their butts.
Maybe it’s the shape, or perhaps they think the vape liquid will absorb better this way. Or they could just be confused about which orifice they’re supposed to use.
2. Door Handle
From the most common, we’ll move to one of the rarest. Somebody showed up at the hospital with a door handle inserted where the sun doesn’t shine.
And there was only one such incident between 2022 and the date of filing the information request. I suppose a door handle is just a difficult tool for butt-based fun.
At least if it’s still attached to a door.
3. Nerf Dart
The Nerf dart removed from someone’s bottom was also a unique experience. Only a single one of them showed up in the records.
We can all probably imagine why and how the dart slipped into the dark depths. But I choose to believe it was shot there – just because that’s way funnier.
4. Lego Bricks (in Balloons)
Okay, so stepping on a Lego piece is painful enough. Now imagine falling onto them without pants and the bricks… Yeah.
Except that’s probably not at all what happened, because the Lego bricks the doctors found in a human colon had been enclosed in a balloon.
Perhaps the person thought they could retrieve the pieces later if they were in the balloon. Or maybe they were trying to keep them more hygienic for future building projects.
5. Kinder Egg
In the U.S., the classic Kinder Eggs (egg-shaped chocolate shells with a toy capsule inside) are banned out of concern that children might choke on them. It seems that the U.K. might need to consider some restrictions as well.
But hey, at least the person didn’t choke on the egg. Wonder if it was still wrapped or whether we’re talking just about the capsule.
6. Wallpaper Scraper
Here’s the first truly mind-boggling item. If you don’t know what a wallpaper scraper is, it’s a tool with a wide flat blade used to peel old wallpaper off the walls.
Now, how could you possibly get that shoved up in there? It could’ve been just the handle, but if the person couldn’t get it out on their own…
That’s definitely a hospital trip.
7. Coat Hanger
I don’t know about you, but I have questions. First, which way was the coat hanger inserted? Second, depending on the angle, how far up in the butt was it?
Frankly, if the thing went in sideways, that’d be equally disturbing and impressive.
8. Credit Card
Out of all the things in your home that you could decide to stick in your booty, who in their right mind would choose a credit card? It’s definitely not one of those shapes that accommodates a trip up the tuchus.
Yet, here we are: with a documented medical case study of a person requiring the removal of a credit card from their behind.
9. Knitting Needle
Ow. Ow, ow, ow. Here’s a public service announcement: don’t put knitting needles in your butt. They can cause real and possibly fatal damage in there.
Out of all the things on this list so far, this one seems like the most urgent medical emergency. Well, this or the wallpaper scraper.
It certainly couldn’t get any worse than…
10. Knife
It got worse. Somebody went to the hospital with a knife in their rectum.
That’s one nightmarish scenario. You know what? I’ll take back what I said in the first entry.
It’s absolutely for the best that we don’t have any in-depth details about how these cases played out. Especially with this one, ignorance is bliss.