- We’ve all done some crazy things for love, but there’s a limit to everything.
In the life of every man, there will come a time when you do something utterly harebrained to get some. You may not be proud of it, and it may even be dangerous, but you still do it.
Just to get laid.
Well, it’s the same thing in the animal kingdom. Although there are certainly exceptions to everything, it’s typically the male’s job to get the female into mood.
And just as it is with horny college dudes, animal guys also get down to some downright degrading and lethal antics. Here are nine examples of the ridiculous and insane things male animals do for sex.
1. Creating Installation Art
There’s no denying that the artistic types can be attractive. For some animals, however, being a tortured artist is a requirement for getting down and dirty.
Take bowerbirds, for example. When mating season comes around, male bowerbirds compete with each other by constructing the most elaborate bachelor pad possible. They’ll use sticks, stones, seashells, bones, and pieces of colorful plastic — anything they can find to build a monument to their lust.
Similarly, white-spotted pufferfish males create intricate, mandala-like patterns on the sea floor. These labyrinthine, circular structures can be incredibly complex, built so that water flows over them just right to deposit more sand on the artwork.
When a female comes around, the males of both species present their creations to her. If she’s not impressed, she’ll simply wander off, flushing all that effort down the drain.
2. Screeching Louder than a Jackhammer
Almost all birds sing to attract a mate. The male white bellbird, however, takes the whole concept of birdsong to a ridiculous extreme.
The male white bellbird’s call is the loudest sound any bird on the planet makes. At 125 decibels, it’s the equivalent to the noise made by a jackhammer.
With such extreme volumes, you’d imagine the purpose is to have the females here the call from far away. But no — the females get within inches of the male bird to find the one that screeches the best.
Essentially, he’s screaming “WILL YOU PLEASE F*** ME?!” into her ear at a volume equivalent to standing next to the speakers at a heavy metal concert.
3. Brutal Fighting (and Then Peeing on Her)
Many male animals are ready to fight for the chance to hump. It’s the same for porcupine dudes, who will engage in bloody melee with claw, tooth, and quill to deter competitors.
Yet, the job of the bloodied winner has just started. He then has to track the object of his attraction for days and wait for the brief eight-hour window when she’s fertile and receptive.
To test whether the time is right, the male will run at the female with his penis erect and pee all over her. If she’s not in the mood, she will react the way she probably should and run away screaming.
Yet, if the male gets the timing correctly, she’ll fold her quills and put out.
Look, you shouldn’t kink shame.
4. Drinking Pee
Just like with porcupines, it can be difficult for giraffe guys to tell whether that lovely long-necked lady is in the mood. There’s only one way he can find out.
He has to drink her pee.
This is the only way the male giraffe can tell whether the female is fertile. Not only that, during mating season, he may have to go around sipping piss from 150 miss’s until he finds one to get it on with.
5. Getting Showered with Crap
Okay, that was a lot about pee, but what about poop? Well, that’s we get to the disgusting spectacle that is the hippo mating ritual.
When a hippo dude spots a bodacious babe, he will communicate his desire to get some by taking a crap. Actually, it’s worse — he’ll pee at the same time while flapping his tail to send a revolting, half-liquid poop tornado flying all over the place.
Should the female find this crap tsunami attractive, she will respond by doing the same thing. Well, with the exception that she will spray her feces all over the male hippo.
You know what, we take it back. Sometimes you should kink shame.
6. Fusing into Her Body
Have you ever held the love of your life in your arms and wished you’d never have to let go? The male anglerfish never does.
Anglerfish males are much smaller than the females, and with some species, they’re so underdeveloped they can’t even eat. They exist only to find a female and bite into her side.
The male’s body will then begin to atrophy and fuse with the female’s flesh. By the end of it, he’ll be nothing but a sack of gonads the female can use whenever she feels like reproducing.
Old anglerfish females may have several ex-boyfriends hanging off their bodies. Guess that’s one way to remember a past flame.
7. Ripping Off His Penis
Most guys want to be attached to their little buddy down south when it’s time to do the deed. But not all of them.
When sexy times dawn for the Asian hermit spider, he’ll carefully sneak behind the female. He’ll then insert his palp (the spider equivalent for penis) in her reproductive tract, break it off, and skitter away.
The argonaut octopus has a somewhat similar approach. He doesn’t sneak around, though — when he sees an attractive female, he’ll simply rip off his sperm-containing tentacle and hand it to her.
“Hey, you’re hot. Here, get yourself preggers with this when you feel like it,” is one hell of a pickup line.
8. Dying
For the aforementioned Asian hermit spider male, his detachable penis can be a literal lifesaver. As with many spiders and insects, he risks getting killed in the act of love by the much larger and violent female.
But no bug is more ready to die for sex than the praying mantis. Male mantises typically follow a female around and wait until she’s had a meal before going at it.
That’s because there’s a very real chance that if she’s hungry, she’ll rip his head off and eat it. But at least his body will keep copulating even without the head, so he still gets to finish the deed.
9. Mutual Death Threats
Being ready to die for sex yourself is one thing. But the male water strider goes all psycho with intertwining death and sex.
When a male water strider spots a female, he will skate over to her. He will then start tapping his foot on the surface of the water — and he won’t stop unless she lets him mate with her.
Why does he do that?
It’s because he knows the vibrations from his tapping attract hungry fish. If he keeps going, a fish will notice and swim over for a meal.
Essentially, his message is, “You will put out, or we’re both going to die.”