4 Weirdest Things Found on Goop

Before Instagram influencing became an $8 billion a year industry, there was Gwyneth Paltrow, launching a second career and a newsletter to help regular people lead their best lives. And by regular people, I mean those with thousands of dollars of disposable income just splashing around their checking accounts looking for obscure products and services. Goop became an immediate joke and target of derision. But the proto-influencer concept may just have been ahead of the times. Here are four of the weirdest things Goop ever offered, to help us “really milk the shit out of” our lives.

Photo by David Brooke Martin on Unsplash
Vampire Spray 

This Paper Crane Apothecary product tops most lists for the most insane product Goop’s every pushed. Because vampires aren’t real. It’s an essential oil blend infused with reiki stones to banish psychic vampires and repel emotional harm. Mystical benefits aside, the lavender, rosemary, and juniper combo sounds refreshing. Worth $28? Sure, in a world where money means nothing. (x)


Cockroach Milk 

Did you know that cockroaches give birth to live young? And feed them “milk” (I use the term loosely) right before birth? Terrible and cool all at the same time. Goop isn’t suggesting that people buy cockroach milk, but that’s just because it’s not commercially available. They do link to a source for getting camel milk delivered. It’s low in lactose, and high in immune-boosting proteins. Also, shocker, expensive. (x)

Photo by Irina Iriser on Unsplash
Jellyfish Tank 

From the Goop Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide from last year; the Darwin TankA jellyfish aquarium with LED lights for illuminating moon jellyfish (sold separately). The setup comes sans filter, jellyfish, or base and will set you back a cool $2,700. The manufacturer, The Darwin Sect recommends moon jellyfish for the Darwin Tank, but they work with several jellyfish breeders specializing in more diverse breeds. If nothing else, click through and waste an hour picking jellyfish for your pretend aquarium. (x)

Image by Hans-August Beer from Pixabay
Rose Quartz Yoni Egg 

On the one hand, there’s a world of products out there to help women train their Kegel muscles. On the other hand, this egg also promises to harness the “power of energy work and crystal healing.” You also have to store it in a sacred space with good vibes, which is a lot harder to come by than the $55 this will set you back. If you are super into Kegels right now (I mean, what else is there to do in quarantine), you can drop a little more cash and get this biofeedback exerciser. It comes with app games to play by squeezing and releasing. (x)