- Start taking notes, Casanovas and Casanovettes.
As long as there have been two people on Earth who are into each other, there has been dating. And as long as there has been dating, there has been dating advice.
Not all dating advice is good, though. We’re sure each of us is painfully aware of that.
That said, not all horrible dating tips you find are necessarily inherently bad. They may have simply been written at a time when social mores and courtship rules were completely different.
Even then, some of them are still pretty cringe-worthy.
Here’s a collection of 10 historical tips on how to score the lord or lady of your dreams. If you choose to apply this advice in the modern dating scene, you’re on your own — we claim no responsibility.
1. Get Your Mom to Send Your Flowers
In 1938, the Madamoiselle magazine encouraged young women to have their mothers send them a bouquet before a date. Seems redundant, since surely their date was going to show up with flowers — but that’s the point.
The girl opens the door and her date sees she already has a bunch of flowers on the table. Who gave her those? Is she seeing another guy? Why, surely he’ll decide to straighten up his act to beat his nonexistent rival!
In the same piece, the magazine recommended women turn off their lights at night even when they’re home. That way their suitors will think they’re out on a date, when in reality they’re… Sitting alone in the darkness, we suppose.
2. Be Rich
It seems a bit un-romantic, but money talks in dating. For the last couple hundred years, one of the most common bits of dating advice given to young bachelors is simply to have money.
You don’t need to stinking filthy rich. But you’d better have enough dough to ensure the lady never has to pay for anything.
That said, it hasn’t always been the guy who needs cold hard cash. In John Balbi’s 1286 book Catholicon, he advises young ladies that their potential suitors will be looking for “beauty” and “morals…” And “riches.”
3. Don’t Date Seriously When Young
Dating is usually considered a young people’s game. At one point during the Middle Ages, however, it was frowned upon for folks to get married too young.
Why? Well, we all know stories about dalliances between princes and servant girls, milkmaids and horse grooms, and so on.
People knew that teens have trouble keeping it in their pants and it was considered better they got it out of their system before they tied the knot. Getting too serious too young could result in an intervention, as extramarital affairs were considered absolutely scandalous.
4. Wear Expensive (and Pink) Underwear
In 1917, Dr. William Robinsons wrote the book Woman: Her Sex and Love Life. The book was shockingly frank in its discussion of physical relationships, but it also revealed the secret to a successful love life.
It’s all about her underwear.
Dr. Robinson stated women should always wear the very best, finest undies they could afford. They should always be spotless clean, ruffled and lacey, and — above all — they should be pink.
Call us crazy, but we bet we can guess what kind of underwear Dr. Robinson was into.
5. Date Women with Big Heads
The Marriage Guide for Young Men was written in 1883 by American Methodist minister George W. Hudson. In it, he gave multiple tips for young Victorian ladies and gents alike.
For guys, he said they should look for women with “large, bulbous heads.” Apparently, having a ginormous noggin indicates the lady is “well sexed” and “full of pluck.”
Did we mention Hudson had to self-publish his book? Wonder why no one picked it up.
6. Cry in a Corner
Ladies, is Dave McHunk not giving you the attention you deserve? Well, worry not! The article “129 Ways to Get a Husband” from the 1958 magazine McCall’s tells you exactly what to do.
Go cry alone in a corner.
This is a foolproof way to make Dave concerned for your well-being. He’s certain to come on over and ask what’s wrong, giving you a chance to swipe him off his feet.
If he doesn’t respond to crying, it’s time to bring out the big guns and go get a sunburn. Or tell him that single men are twice as likely to die than married ones. It’s all in the article.
7. Never Cry
But hold your horses, ladies! We hope you didn’t actually break out the waterworks, because that’s the worst thing you can do.
According to a 1938 article in the Click Parade magazine, you should absolutely, positively never ever cry in your date’s company. After all “men don’t like tears” or “sentimental women.”
So are you supposed to cry or not? What a difference 20 years makes.
8. Joust in a Tournament
We mentioned that it wasn’t proper for young lords and ladies to date in Medieval Europe. But what if a youthful nobleman knew she really was the one?
It’s simple. Just grab your long, thick lance, throw on your finest suit of armor, and go joust in a tournament. Oh, and you’d better win, too.
Having demonstrated your honor and strength of arms, you can safely woo your lady of choice. Who could blame her for falling for such a valorous, strapping young knight?
But what if there are no tournaments anytime soon? Well, just join a crusade — if you come back alive, you’ve surely proven your worth.
9. Don’t Marry into a Criminal Family
In the same book where he advised men to look for bulbous-headed women, George Hudson gives another piece of advice. This goes for everybody — don’t marry a criminal’s relative.
After all, when the cops inevitably show up at your home asking where the fugitive is, your dearest may prove unwilling to cooperate with the police. And that will certainly put a strain on your relationship.
Apparently, this piece of advice is based on Hudson’s own experience. Better learn from his mistakes.
10. Don’t Fall in Love
If you ignore all the other tips on our list, please — at least heed this one. Do not, under any circumstances, fall in love.
That’s the advice the 1793 book The Young Lady’s Pocket Library gives to women, anyway. If you find yourself falling in love, terminate your courtship immediately and never see him again.
After all, things like dating and relationships should always be approached with cold, unfeeling, mechanical logic. If you show more emotion than your computer, you’re doing it wrong.
Honorable Mention: Give Her Cheese
Finally, we thought we might address a piece of “dating advice” that has been making its rounds as a popular meme. This is a line from a book that reads, “You may fascinate a woman by giving her a piece of cheese.”
Well, this isn’t strictly dating advice. Instead, it’s part of a spell from Kathryn Paulsen’s 1971 book, The Complete Book of Magic and Witchcraft.
That said, randomly handing a woman a chunk of cheddar will probably get her attention. Depending on how big of a cheese lover she is, it just might work, too.