"Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito."
"Caller reports hitting an intruder in the head with an axe. Notes that intruder 'was in the mirror.'"
"A man came to the Sheriff's Department to 'find out how to legally kill' a person who was harassing him."
He didn't want to break any laws or anything...
"A caller reported at 7:14pm that someone was on a porch yelling 'help' from a residence on Bank Street. Officers responded and learned the person was calling a cat that was named 'Help.'"
What idiot names his cat 'Help?!' Where's the dog? Fire? Fire!
"The Learning Center reports a man standing at his window for hours, making parents nervous... Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"The ducks refused medical treatment and left the area"
"The man said that he was sitting home alone masturbating (...) when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to video tape him"
A speedy turtle on a crime spree?
Looking for a trespasser, police enter a building and call out, "Marco..." Police found the suspect when he responded, "Polo"
"Dispatch, report of Swanson chicken pot-pie running east on Clay Street"
If it ain't Swanson's chicken pot-pie, it won't run
"was observed in the middle of a roadway wearing only tennis shoes and an adult diaper (...) Neubert was also directing traffic and performing martial arts with a stick"
"a second teen threw a snowball, striking the clerk in the chest"
"Two man came into the store, loaded birthday bags with "Have a nice day" yellow faces on them with 52 tubes of vaginal anti-fungal cream..."
"an unknown suspect threw a condom a the victim hitting him in the face"
"An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing... some 18 months ago."
We'd guess the dishes must have been piling up...